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Burger King Revamps Entire Menu to Avoid Any Chance of Triggering Anybody

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‘Woke’ Social Justice Warriors (SJW) have applauded Burger King for finally acknowledging that some plants identify as meat.  When the ‘Impossible Whopper’ was being developed, BK management held the ingredients in strictest confidence, adhering to a corporate policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”  After intense pressure from the PTIM Lobby (Plants That Identify as Meat), BK adopted a more open and inclusive posture, and was rewarded with the PTIM stamp of approval. 

As it should have been expected, however, the SJW’s were not stopping there.  Since the Impossible Whopper ‘came out’ a few months ago, SJW’s have honed in on the rest of Burger King’s menu to demand further changes.  For starters, they insist on BK changing the name of the Impossible Whopper to the ‘TransSandwich’.  Furthermore, BK must extract the ‘ham’ from hamburger to appease Muslims.  They must also remove the word ‘King’ from Burger King to avoid offending feminists; remove ‘Coke’ from its menu to not trigger drug addicts; change ‘french’ fries to ‘potato fries’ to avoid misappropriation of French culture, then change ‘potato fries’ to simply ‘fries’ to not offend the Irish, and then to ‘cholesterol enhanced root vegetable slivers’ to not trigger medically challenged sufferers of high blood pressure; replace ‘crispy chicken’ with ‘brittle domesticated fowl’ to avoid offending burn victims, and the ‘kids meal’ with ‘adolescent meal’ so as to not upset young goats; change the ‘Big Fish’ to just ‘Fish’ to not offend small fish; remove the ‘Whopper’ itself from its menu to avoid offending fat people, and ‘Jr. Whopper’ to avoid offending fat people’s fat children.  If their demands are not met, SJW’s threaten a BK boycott because, as we now know, that eventually worked so well against Chick-Fil-A.