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Culture

Students’ Wealthy Parents Now Bribing University Officials to Get Their Children OUT Of College

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In his fifth year in the University of Connecticut’s grueling Puppetry Master’s program, and having amassed over $200k in student debt so far, graduate student Max Daniliuc and his parents were under the assumption that he would be making ‘serious bank’ with his degree.  Both Max and his parents have come to the realization, however, that the best job Max could hope for in his field of study would be as the assistant manager of a Chucky-Cheese.

“Do you have any idea what I had to go through just to be admitted to the program,” asked a frustrated Daniliuc.  “UConn is renowned for its marionette program.  My parents had to bribe the Dean of Puppetry just to look at my application.  They photo-shopped my face onto an Elmo puppet!  Conspiracy, mail fraud, money laundering…they did everything they could to get me in.  Now they need to do everything they can to get me out!  I won’t be able to even afford rent, much less the two thousand a month in student loan payments.  It’s really unfair, and I think my parents should pull some more strings to make it all go away…ya know, loan forgiveness, bail out, or something…whatever it takes.” 

So, his parents have once again taken to bribing University and FAFSA officials to erase any evidence of Max’s attendance.  They have now invested over a million dollars in Max’s education, half-a-mil in and half-a-mil out, not to mention the hundred grand to remodel their basement in order for Max to have a place to live.