Type to search


There Goes the Language


Personal gender pronouns (PGP’s) have absolutely mangled the Queen’s English.  Not only were we forced to change bathroom door signage, wedding cakes, floral arrangements, and the entire institution of marriage, but now, under threat of legal action, the use of pronouns as well.  In celebration of International Gender Pronoun Day (no kidding – October 16, for those who forgot to buy a gift), the following is the newly sanctioned version of one of the most well-known Biblical parables, the “Prodigal Son Child Unit.”  

“And when (f)ae came to (f)aeself, xe said, How many hired servants of my parental unit’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my parental unit, and will say unto xem, Parental unit, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy child unit: make me as one of thy hired servants. And xe arose, and came to xyr parental unit. But when ve was yet a great way off, vis parental unit saw ver, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on their neck, and kissed ey. Then ze said to hir parental unit, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: but as soon as this thy child unit was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for eir the fatted calf.” (Luke 15: 17-20; 29-30 KJV)

Maybe it all depends on your perspective…or maybe it’s just a classic case of ‘xe said, xe said’…though this modern Tower of ‘Babble’ has sown literary confusion worldwide.  Nevertheless, at least the three percent of the population who feel the hot dagger of pronoun discrimination now feel vindicated.  On the down side, however, grammar-checking apps have begun self-destructing at an alarming rate.  Until these changes become mindlessly seamless, all third-person references in the spoken word, as well as all written documents, must now be approved by the newly formed “Central Pronoun Agency” of the federal government.