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Rapping Becomes the Most Dangerous Profession in America

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The ongoing demise of young rappers has baffled concerned leaders of the music and entertainment industry.  The most recent case, 21-year-old Juice WRLD, points to the probability of ‘lifestyle’ choices as a leading indicator of untimely death, although ‘modern art’ defenders of rap music deny any correlation, at least those who rake in millions of dollars on the backs of troubled young rappers.  Mr. WRLD, who died of a drug-induced seizure at Chicago’s Midway airport, had a history of poor decisions, bad companions, and substance abuse. 

At the time of his death on the Midway tarmac, Juice was on his private jet, accompanied by “seventy pounds of marijuana, six bottles of prescription codeine, illicit Percocet pills, two 9 mm pistols, a .40-caliber pistol, a high-capacity ammunition magazine and metal-piercing bullets.”  Juice’s grieving mother was obviously devastated by the news, claiming that “Juice was a ‘good boy,’ and he must not have been aware of the ‘racist’ rules that don’t allow illegal drugs and guns in a carry-on.” 

For years, experts have been at a loss to explain why American rappers are dying in such large numbers when compared to other high-risk professions.  Recently surpassing William Tell impersonators, cigarette-smoking meth manufacturers, and anyone involved with the Clintons, rappers now have an average life expectancy of only thirty-two years.  Studies show that premature deaths of American rappers far exceed rates of other Nationalities.  Siberian rappers, Aboriginal Australian rappers, and Peruvian rappers all have a very low mortality rate when compared to American rappers. 

Concerned social leaders point to the obvious correlation between American rappers’ early demise and their glorification of murder, gangs, drug use, drive-by’s, rape, cannibalism, and serial killing.  Blaze Ya Dead Homie, who headlined the rap group Murda4Hire and produced hits such as One Less Ho, Meat Cleaver, and Dead Body Disposal, claims, however, that these ‘rap haters’ are simply ignorant of the cultural nuances and societal benefits of rap music.  Mr. Dead Homie vigorously defended his craft from his jail cell, threatening, “When I get outa dis hole in seven to ten, I’ll pop a cap in dem asses.”

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