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Avocados Have Muscled Their Way into the Fruit Family, Set Sights on Total US Domination


The Avocado family, aka La Cosa Frutas, has recently risen to the top of the produce market.  Over the past twenty years or so, the Avocados have quietly but methodically gained control of the fruits and vegetables trade with increasing brutality.  Investing heavily in numbers, influence peddling, kickbacks and protection rackets, Avocados now sit alone as the most consumed fruit in the country. 

A quarter century ago, the Avocados were merely a minor, relatively tasteless, player in the regional fruit wars of central Mexico.  Since then, they have surpassed apples, bananas, and all citrus fruits in popularity, and have infiltrated recipes from Ricotta Crostini to Feta Salsa, as well as appearing incognito as guacamole spreads in restaurants and homes alike.  The rise to the top was not easy, and not without collateral damage. 

La Cosa Frutas made its first move into forced acceptance in 1995 by leaving a bloody cabbage head in the bed of Walmart’s National Produce Manager.  After receiving an offer they couldn’t refuse, the largest retailer in the country soon had avocados prominently displayed throughout their stores. 

Not satisfied with sharing its newfound popularity, the Avacados sought out total dominion over all produce.  Taking out the heads of the five families (fruits, veggies, legumes, starches, and herbs) became a top priority.  Just last year, it all started with the brutal murder of the original Godfather, Don Tomato, at a vegetable stand just off Rural Route 2 in Harland, Kentucky.  That was followed by a hit on Don Potato, who was ironically shot in the eye, and the subsequent assassinations of the heads of the Lentil and Collard Greens Families.  The operation ended in a blaze of gunfire with the rubout of Don Cilantro in the kitchens of all Panera Bread franchises across the land. 

Whether you like avocados or not, La Cosa Frutas has forced its way onto menus everywhere and has since cornered the salad, sandwich, dips and spreads markets throughout the US.  Now uncontested, the Avocado family has plans for control of the entire globe within five years.  Avocados still taste terrible (unless paired with bacon); it’s just that, now, everyone’s too afraid to admit it.  Remember, leave the guns, take the guacamole…and never go against the family.